Dil-don't

The other day I was walking to the library when I cam across, of all things, a dildo on the sidewalk.
It was purple
slightly sparkly
and had clearly vibrated or something at some point because it was broken and I could see it's broken mechanics lying out on the sidewalk.

To be honest it didn't really register at first what I was seeing.

I just stared down at the ground with a sort of noplussed expression. My mind went,
"Oh hey, that's a dildo." and I stared at it blankly for a moment as if it's completely natural to find broken and dirty sex toys on the streets of a small town.
I walked away and then stopped as my mind finally caught up and said,
"Dude, what the hell?!"

Why on earth did someone toss a broken dildo on the ground?

Perhaps some girl had gotten a new paramour (human or rubber, I don't judge) and was so fed up with this abomination of silicone and glitter that she hurled it from her car.

Perhaps another woman took to carrying her "unmentionables" around in her purse and it fell out.

Perhaps it broke and the owner was too lazy to toss it in the garbage...but not lazy enough to carry it around and throw it on the sidewalk .

Perhaps the owner was scared of her parents finding it and tossed it on the sidewalk so it wouldn't be seen in the garbage.

Perhaps a group of teenagers were dicking around with it (pun intended) and tossed it from a car or just dropped it on the sidewalk.

Either way...gross.

Look, your dildo has no place on my sidewalk. I shudder to imagine if I had been walking my dog or  with my sister when I found that.

It's unsanitary (presuming it's been used)

and ultimately!...It's hilarious. Dear God did I find the situation ridiculous. That's just not something you see everyday.

So readers, watch out for stray sex toys and let me know about your findings. I'd like to think I'm not the only one whose ever been in a situation like this.

Children's T.V.

Alright, does anyone reading this have younger siblings? Younger family members, friends with siblings or kids, your own kids, kids you babysit? Either way I’m just wondering how many of you have spent a fair amount of time watching children’s programming.

I ended up watching T.V. a great deal with my younger sister K as we were growing up. Sister K is seven years my junior and my entire family ended up watching a lot of children’s programming.

A

Lot

Of children’s programming.

We all got rather into it; sometimes it was nostalgic (watching shows like Little Bear or Blue’s Clues)

Sometimes it was educational (Dora the Explorer)

Sometimes it was weird (shows like Maisy)

Some of it was downright irritating. (Wiggles, which my entire family detested)

And then we come to the show Max and Ruby.

Now, my entire family loves Max and Ruby, when Sister K watched it, we would all pretty much end up sitting and enjoying the show.

Now as time went by I started to have a problem with the show.

Specifically this little fucker.

You see that little hellion?

Yes, that would be Max, one of the titular characters. Now before I get started I will warn you, this is me taking a children’s cartoon, of all things, way too damn seriously, but I feel that no one else has ever had the guts to come out and say what a terror Max really is.

The rest of my family thinks he’s hilarious, but I know better. Beneath that sweet smile and those cute bunny cheeks is a true mastermind of evil.

Max is the fun, creative, and mischievous kid brother of the fussy, girly, and stuffy Ruby. On the surface it seems that Max is always trying to have fun and his sister Ruby just doesn’t understand how boring everything she wants to do is! I mean my goodness! Max just wanted to make mud pies and bring them inside, so what if Ruby was preparing to earn a badge for Bunny Scouts by hosting the meeting in their home?

All of the things Max do sound irritating when you put them down in writing. When Ruby is preparing the both of them for a picture he constantly gets himself dirty, when Ruby is having a tea party with her dolls he replaces them with his own toys, when Ruby gives him money to buy a music box for their grandmother’s birthday he buys himself glow in the dark cherry juice oozing vampire fangs.

(Fucking sweet actually, but still)

When Ruby is trying to make a garden he takes all the mud, rocks, and worms she’s putting aside to use and makes a mud pie, he leaves the house without her knowledge causing Ruby to search for him frantically (before finding him at their grandmother’s house). It seems everything Ruby tries to do Max always has to pull tricks on her, get things dirty, and be a general nuisance. But his brattiness is played for laughs.

Ruby is the stuffy one

Ruby is supposed to be the irritating one.

We’re supposed to see her desire to play dress up and have tea parties and keep herself neat as boring.

We’re supposed to root for Max, triumphing over his sister all the time. Never once is Max reprimanded, not by his grandmother, not by other adults shown, and certainly not by their parents. (Who you never see except in a blurry family photo hanging in the den.)

That’s another thing! The goddamn grandmother! She is constantly on Max’s side. She obviously loves both her grandchildren and seems more than willing to help Ruby’s crafty pursuits (like baking or playing dressup) but when Max is ruining everything and her granddaughter is standing there looking shocked and hurt and exasperated what does she do? Chortle and praise Max on his cleverness.

Every time Ruby threatens to tell their grandmother on him it backfires on her. Grandma loves the vampire teeth Max gives her for her birthday. Never mind the fact that he bought them with Ruby’s money, that she earned herself, that she saved up to buy the music box that she thought would be so perfect for her grandma.

Now on occasion Max is shown to care about his sister and want to make her happy, like wanting to have a gift for her birthday or trying, genuinely, to help her with decorating the house or playing games.

You want to know how I think Max could make his sister happy? By considering her feelings for once. In this show Ruby’s feelings are constantly brushed aside. She’s the stick in the mud, the Ricky to Max’s Lucy, the unsuspecting dolt in the force of Max’s wild child desires. She wants to stay clean and take a picture with her younger brother? Who cares! He wants to eat all sorts of messy candies. She’s worried that she can’t find her brother? Don’t worry! He was getting ice cream for her; he’s just the most perfect little brother! Max, our practically mute hero, is always shown to be in the right. It’s his feelings we consider as we see him roll his eyes over his sister’s over emotional tendencies or the stupid games she wants to force him into. We snicker at Ruby’s prissiness. After all, why would any of us ever want to listen to our older siblings?

Maybe that’s my problem; I’m speaking as the oldest child in my family. I’m not saying I want my younger siblings to look at me like a parent, but some measure of respect is expected. Max has no respect for Ruby and the things she tells him to do are never enforced by a parental figure.  I would be nowhere without my parents. If I reprimand Sister K for the way she speaks to me or for something she does, I am backed up by my parents if I am justified in my feelings. (Which usually I am) Yes Ruby is bossy, most older siblings are. Yes it’s irritating about being told what to do sometimes, but when someone in a position of control over you tells you what to do you have to suck it up and just do it ya brat. Ruby even comes off as a little controlling, and honestly, wouldn’t you be that way? A child in your care constantly eschews what you tell them to do in favor of what they want. CONSTANTLY.

Little siblings! Heed my words. Do not act like Max towards your older brothers and sisters.

Now I’m off to go and watch Little Einsteins or something.

Quotes from my friends

Over the past 8 months or so Ive just been quoting conversations and sayings from my friends....here you go. Please take a glimpse into the awkward conversations that happen in my life. (Gabe is my roommate, Laura is my future roommate, Bennifer is Gabe and I's next door neighbor and good friend and Kylen is another good friend)

“(getting a g-spot orgasm) and then it’ll never happen again. Like getting a combo in a video game.”

~Gabe

“What is the sound of two balls juggling?”

~Bennifer

Bennifer:“I’d eat hot sauce off a nipple.”
El:“I wouldn’t put hot sauce on a nipple!”

“It’s like vajazzling.”

~Bennifer

“I’m full of rice and cheese and beans. If you shook me up I could become a sandwich.”

“Some form of dish is waiting inside me, like a Mexican dish. I could become nachos.”

~Gabe

“Fuck you bunny! Face me like a man!”

~Gabe

“Damn El, you aren’t even playing!”

~Gabe

“SEVEN, COMB, TOOTHPASTE!”

~El

“I just wanna play a meaningless game that brings me joy.”

~Gabe

“There’s a reason most early Irish literature is lost, it sucks.”

~Gabe

“It gave me a map…I do like maps.”

~Gabe

“I will find you Joe Calderone. I will find you and stare at you for a little while.”

~Gabe.

“GAH! MY LAPTOP ATTACKED ME!”

~El

“It’s okay, I’m black Korean.”

~El

“They’re just a tiny people with tiny penises; it’s not fair to put them up against regular people.”

~Gabe (when I informed him on the average length of a Japanese man’s penis)

“Except for the North Koreans, that’s not even about being Asian, that’s just karma.”

~Gabe

“That would have to be a pretty flexible erect penis because usually erect penises are, you know, hard.”

~Gabe

El: *snorts*

Gabe: King Bumi what are you doing here?

Gabe: Give me a random major

El: business….fucking business majors, the sworn enemy of all theatre majors.

El: Yesh thatsh right

Gabe:…..LEAVE SEAN CONNERY LEAVE!

Gabe: I can’t bust down a muthafuckin’ door with muthafuckin’ dual wielding guns like freeze mothatfucka!

El: You sounded like you were about to start a rap there.

“WEABOO DO YOU SPEAK IT BAKA?!”

~El

“God is so tsundere”

~El

“Stephen King is so tsundere.”

~Gabe

Bennifer: We could be like a dubstep song.

Laura: Yeah totally, Kylen start throwing things at the wall.

“Hot pot fuck it!”

~Gabe

“Excuse me, when did my roommate become a velociraptor?”

~Gabe

“This shall now be my religious zealot voice.”

~El

“Congrats on not killing anyone.”

~Unknown

Gabe: “I want one of those women I-Get me a prostitute!”

El: “Sure, I’ll save up my money and buy you a whore.”

Gabe: “I gave you a bagel”

Gabe” “They fell asleep as she was riding them and she was like ‘well shit son! Hey you-!’”

El: “You there! Slave boy. Attend to my pussy.”

(on Empress Theodora)

“You’re (El in ghoul makeup) so cute you Satanic little Samara.”

~Gabe

“I guess a twerking zombie girl isn’t that erotic.”

~El

“(to El) Cristopher Walken get out of my room! DON’T PEE ON THE FLOOR CHRISTOPHER WALKEN!!!”

~Gabe

(well you see, I did a Walken impression and Gabe freaked out and I collapsed on the ground laughing and clutching my stomach. I figured I should clarify.)

“It’s not stupid it’s abstract.”

~Ben

“Teen mudder…nine months of trubble.”

~Captain

El: What just flew out of nowhere?

Laura: Your mother in a wetsuit, covered in nacho cheese.

“Period is that you?!”

~Elly

El: Look if we can be sexual to our food we can speak romantically to it as well.

Gabe: Yeah, take our food out for a nice…meal?

“Fuck that, you think I got time to eat all that shit before school? Fuck that balanced breakfast. I a’int drinking a glass of orange juice and a glass of milk, I’ll have to pee all day!”

~El

El: Hey look “I’M MOTHERFUCKIN KAWAII DESU DESU!”……that’s how I read it in my head anyway…

Gabe: My friend is not a black woman…

“Suddenly Walt Disney was like  ‘let’s pump it up’!”

~Gabe

“Keep your mirth to a minimum.”

~Gabe

“SHIT! WHAT?”

~El (anytime Gabe starts laughing hysterically)

“Mario Party…wait fuck! No!”

~El (video game title to explain your sex life)

“There’s a Metallica concert going on in my stomach.”

~Gabriel